10 Years

When August 16th, 2009 rolled around, it marked the 10 year anniversary of my return to Texas after an intense 13 years in California. I have wanted to document the experience, and decided a Christmas news letter just might be in order. I'm horrible with Christmas cards, but enjoy facebook and blogsites, so I decided to catch every one up with a blog! :)

I decided that I would write about 10 events that have been significant in my 10 years back in Texas. These are not in any order, like on the Letterman Show. The most significant is so painful, my brother's passing, that I would rather not share that last.

1. The miracle of my time in California.

I could not have moved back to Texas and be where I am today without the amazing experience of my time in California. The Lord spent the first 5 years tearing down the old self, and the next 8 years building up the new self that was firmly established in Christ, in Truth, in Life! It was an amazing experience!

One day, in the early summer of '09, I received a phone call from UMHB, asking if I would be interested in the Volleyball job. I had been called on one other previous occasion, but turned them down. But this time something in my heart responded. I knew it was time to go home. If there had been any doubt before I moved, it was erased when I flew to UMHB to sign the contract and look for housing. I only looked at two houses, and decided that it would be best to just come back and find temporary housing, store my possessions, and take my time looking. However, when I was on the small plane from Killeen, Tx to Houston, Tx, I was sitting by a delightful woman that talked to me the whole way to Houston. Near the end of the short trip, I felt a strong unction to tell her about the houses I had looked at. I ignored it. The unction became stronger. I said "I feel like I'm supposed to tell you that I looked at a couple of houses today for sale." She said "Oh yeah, which ones?" I mentioned my favorite, 220 N. Pearl. She said, in a state of shock, "I'm the owner!!!" Needless to say, we were both screaming "no way" and "Oh my" and "oh my goodness" and I have to say I cried a little, but mostly smiled ear to ear! I bought the house!

2. Was this really His intention????

I went back to Cali and marvelled at His so very clear design that I was to move back to Texas! He had never been this clear to me before. I remember moving in, and for the first month I would literally dance in joy all through the rooms of this cute little house, feeling very very loved.

And then three months later I was in a dark depression! I felt the misfit here in central Texas! Can you imagine living in California, amongst a group of friends who pressed into their soul, with Jesus, pursuing freedom at the deepest levels; prayer groups, celebrations; roomies galore.....and then....silence...aloneness....desert. I spoke a language that didn't work in Texas. I tried to speak openly with others about my experiences, about life, tried to celebrate others, tried to speak into others' lives...and would get blank stares, confusion, and even the occasional 'freakout'! Was this God's intention? Of course it was. And it was why He was so clear in his intentions for me, because He knew it would be hard, and He wanted me to know this was his plan!

3. Coaching!!!!

Wow!!! I was getting paid a nice salary to teach and coach at the college level! I can remember going to work each day and saying "they are throwing money at me to have fun!" And it was fun. I enjoyed teaching the classes, and I enjoyed coaching! The program was in shambles. I had no athletes per se to work with. But I got busy teaching them what I knew. It was great fun to teach them how to compete, how to build their playing skills, getting a team to play together. But I was also realizing I didn't want to do this forever, and I needed another plan!

4. Counseling...Oh Yeah!

In '03 I made the decision to get a master's in counseling. UMHB has a master's program, and being an employee, it was half price! Hugely important, as the cost was high. I spent the next three years completing a 48 hour Community Counseling degree for the purpose of becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). The program was delightful for the most part, and in the summer of '06 I graduated!!!!

5. Transition

Perhaps it was an error on my part, but I am who I am. I told my boss that I would be pursuing a degree in counseling, thinking that in 10 years I would be 'retiring' from coaching and working as a counselor. The relationship soured shortly after. He began documenting things that would help him to push me out the door. I never violated any policies or procedures, but he found ways to demonstrate that I wasn't living up to the requirements of the job, mostly regarding the win-loss record. As this relationship deteriorated, I began to no longer enjoy the job. There was always a glance over the shoulder, a worry that I wasn't living up to expectations. And honestly, my weaknesses became more pronounced as I brought in better athletes. I'm not a strong disciplinarian, which some players couldn't thrive under. They needed someone stronger who could 'make' them perform to their potential. And on my end, I could see their soul and the wounds there, and would just as soon sit down and help them heal than to teach them volleyball skills. Though I was freaking out the day the AD called me into his office to fire me, the Lord was in control. He had it all planned out for me, though I couldn't rest in that peace. It was a hard 3 months of living on my severance and wondering what was next! But what was next was amazing!

6. Dad

When I moved to Cali there were a few hurts in my heart. One of them was my Dad. I loved my dad (Pappy) and he loved me, so this isn't a question about love. It was the hurt that occurs in every relationship that needs healing, and my time in Cali was all about healing this, and other, hurts. When I came back to Texas, I was given two precious years of relating to my Pappy as a different person. He has changed as well. I spent a month in the summer that first year working with him and his lawn care business. It was a whole new experience! He praised my work ethic. And even when I made a 'bone-headed' mistake by not turning off the blade before loading the tractor (and therefore flipping me off the trailer and by the grace of God not getting crushed by the tractor!), my Pappy was gracious and kind, more concerned about my physical well being than the thoughtless error that I had just made! It was a new experience for both of us, and I am forever grateful for that time! On September 16h of '01, 5 days after the terrorist attack in America, my Pappy went home to be with the Lord. He was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor in early August, and he was gone in 4 weeks. I was able to come home on the weekends and care for him, and he passed on my watch, a Sunday morning, with Roger and Gayla with me. I feel honored that I was able to be with him as he made that transition.

7. Juvenile Delinquents

I was nervously sitting at home, wondering what in the world I would be doing next. I was 9 months away from graduating, and it is hard to find paid internships. I was calling Rockdale Regional Juvenile Justice Center on a regular basis, because the counseling staff there was requesting the money for another position. I was hoping to get on there! Then I learned they were denied the position. Fear, almost panic, set in. I was not resting in the Lord and His will. Then, two weeks before the severance pay was to end, I got a call from Rockdale. One of their staff members took a job at another place. Would I be interested in working for them? Wow! Lord, You are so good!!!! I had a fabulous 18 months at this facility! It was a whole new experience for me. I was moving in my strengths, I was speaking into young kids' lives! I was making a difference!!!!!! I remember one night leaving the facility after a particularly productive day, raising my fist up in the air, and declaring "I AM A THERAPIST" and feeling profoundly overjoyed by the statement! It was what the Lord intended for me all these years! Though I enjoyed coaching volleyball, this was different. This was a 'soul thing'. This was something that gave me a whole new purpose and life. These kids were hurting/abused children. Loving on them was the most important, and natural, thing I could imagine doing at this time of my life! And I found that I was good at it! They responded to my challenges and felt loved by my exhortations. In the 4 - 6 months that I had them under my care, several made significant changes in their lives! It was profound.

8. Roger

It was the spring of, I believe, '06. I was home in the afternoon and received a call from Roger. He had been told he had Pancreatic cancer, that possibly he would be gone in 6 months. I sat down and wept.


I drove down to Austin to meet up with Roger and Gayla, and Brad and Lynette, at the oncologist. The report was better than initially thought. It wasn't pancreatic cancer! It was a slow growing tumor that originated on his liver and had spread to his pancreas. Surgery was scheduled and the tumor on the pancreas was removed. There was hope. He followed the orders of the doctor and did the recommended treatments. It didn't work. They sent him to Houston to the cancer specialty hospital there, and they put him on experimental treatments. It didn't work. He then tried a radical change in diet, eating only the freshest and healthiest of foods, while also still taking an experimental drug. This seemed to only speed up the growth. Though he lived longer than the initial prognosis, we lost our brother/father/husband/son on December 2nd, 2007. It was brutal. My father was hard, this was brutal. He was only 49. We all felt cheated! His first grandchild will be born this April. We grieve.

9. Depression and Faith

I mentioned that after the first few months of returning to Texas I fell into depression. Depression has been an on again off again experience since I moved back to Texas. It was very difficult to move from a thriving, life giving community, to a life of semi isolation and limited community. I will be forever grateful to Steve Stybor for mentioning the new book that recently was released regarding the letters of Mother Teresa to her confidants. Though she had wanted these letters to be destroyed, I am grateful the letters survived. She wrote about her own darkness of the soul, a darkness that lasted throughout her ministry! I am in awe of this woman! She had an audible exchange with Jesus himself that set her on course for the amazing work she did on this earth....and then He withdrew His presence! She was lonely throughout her 50+ year minestry. Lonely for Jesus!!! And yet, she kept choosing to love Him, to identify with His thirst on the cross, to serve the lowest of the low, because "when you do this to the least, you've done it until Me". And the joy that settled into her soul, though she may never have felt it, was palpable. No one could be in her presence and not feel her intense love of Christ, her intense peace and joy, and not be moved! What a woman of God!!!!

It gives me hope! Though this has been a valley, a deep dark valley at times, I have continued to choose Him!!!! I continue to speak His truth to others at the appropriate times and places. I keep taking one step at a time, always trying to move forward. I am no Mother Teresa. But it gives me hope, renews my courage, to keep on trucking!

I have been working with the worship team at the Temple Vineyard since '02. It's been an amazing experience! I really enjoy coming alongside others, working with others, and building a team! It's a place of learning and growth. It's been a difficult challenge at times, and it's been a burden at times. But the Lord continues to guide and direct us, as well as bless us! Wonderful experience.

10. Career and Faith

For those who know me well, you know that I spent extensive time, energy, and money to work on the healing of my soul. In particular, regarding my sexuality. It was a profound experience, and I just knew that the Lord was wanting me to work with others with the exact same issues and help them find freedom. I saw myself starting up a Living Waters program here in central Texas. It has not happened. No doors have opened. In fact, doors have been slammed shut! Forcefully!!!! It's been confusing. I spent time and money to go to a LW training in Southern California, and just knew the Lord would open up doors and that I would just walk right through them, easily, peacefully, knowledgeably, confidently. HAHAHAHAHA!

The Lord has been so gracious to me! I could not imagine a life without Him! I want to serve Him the rest of my life and only hope that I can be half the person He created me to be! I am a weak, selfish human being, and it humbles me.

I would never in a hundred years guessed the direction that the Lord has taken me. I just knew that I would work exclusively with Christians, as mentioned above. Well, the Lord has a sense of humor. First, He gave me outstanding teachers at UMHB. One teacher in particular painted a picture of how to maintain your convictions and beliefs and walk alongside someone who may not be ready to hear the truth. I also heard a teaching by Andy Comiskey, how while flying overseas sat beside a lesbian whom he was able to lead to the Lord. The woman said that she would never have believed the love of the Lord if a Christian friend hadn't stood beside her for the past 20 years despite her choice of lifestyle. That story moved me and encouraged me.

Today I work with women prisoners at a large prison in central Texas. Homosexuality is rampant. Quite a few of the women are very masculinized! Rape and molestation is the norm in their life stories. I am able to love them right where they are, speak into their lives as much as they will allow, and walk with them one step at a time. It appears that the Lord is wanting me to work with women who have been ravaged by those who were supposed to love and protect. The job fits me well. Though there are aspects of the job that are draining and frustrating, I find myself, after two and a half years, feeling like the job fits me like a glove. It is amazing to work within my strengths. It is fulfilling! And I feel His presence and guidance in the midst of it! Who would have imagined?

So, there you have it. My Christmas letter for the decade! Hopefully it won't be so long before the next one!

May God bless each and every one of you during this Christmas season!